Forever My Lady by Jeff Rivera

Author:Jeff Rivera [RIVERA, JEFF]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC000000
ISBN: 9780446197854
Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
Published: 2007-07-12T14:00:00+00:00

Chapter Five

Dear Dio,

I don’t have a recent photo but here’s a photo from about a year ago with me and you together. I don’t think you’d even want to see me right now. I don’t look like my old self. I’m gaining so much weight lately and I don’t feel like my old self either. I’m trying to stay up I really am. But sometimes it’s such a struggle. I mean I’ve always been the person who’s lifted everybody else’s spirits up. And now I’ve got to lift mine. I don’t want people to see me like this. Lo odio. And I’m sick and tired of the looks of sympathy on everyone’s faces. They try to fake it, like I look normal like things are the same but they’re not. I try not to let them see how triste I’ve been. I don’t want them to see me like this and it takes so much energy to fake it, to force a smile. I’m tired of the visitors and I’m tired of my mom bringing people over from the iglesia. All they do is tell me the same scriptures over and over again about the “tiempos finales” and how things will be better in “el reino de Dios.”

I told my mom I just want to be solita, but she doesn’t seem to listen and I don’t want to be rude to them. I feel like I’m trapped in this bed Dio. I feel like I’m in the pinta. I feel like even though I could physically get up and leave and I know I could that I can’t. That I’m emotionally trapped. And I want to get out.

I want to be myself. Quiero cantar otra vez. I’ve stopped watching Entertainment Tonight Dio, and you know that’s my favorite show. You know why? Cause every time I watch it and I see some star on there and they’re doing so great and they’ve got the perfect hair and the perfect smile and they’re on the red carpet and they have some new album or new movie coming out I just can’t help but think, “that’s supposed to be me.” And I want it so bad Dio. I want to be there and I know I can but I feel so trapped and I don’t know how to get there.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get better, if I’ll ever be back to where I was. It seems so far away. The social worker comes over, his name is Angel. He always gets me laughing. And I hate it cause as soon as he’s gone like an hour later my mom does something that pisses me off, or I just get this huge wave of doubt that hits me like a thick cloud and I’m back to where I was. I hate being lifted up and then I’m just dropped and it takes so much effort to just be lifted up again and for what? I’m just going to be dropped again? That’s how I feel.

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